Siblings With Benefits
by Anne Oying
Summary: Slightly convoluted origin story. Riff and Mags have always been close, but will it take a homeless tansvestite, some pointless drama and a legion of sullen supporting characers to make them realise that they belong together? Formerly 'Grow Old With You'. DISCONTINUED.
1. Sing A Song Of Sexual Tension

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rocky Horror, it owns me *W***

**A/N: Inspiration has struck! Horrifically cheesy, but I'll take it... ;P**

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><p>"<em>It's terrific, Clare," Henry says, and we stare at each other and I think, Don't leave me.<em>

"God," Riff Raff sniffled and wiped his eye with his sleeve, "That poor family."

The slam of the door prompted him to chuck the book under the couch worriedly and compose himself, not wanting his smart-alecky sister to see him reading soppy Earth books.

He waited for her customary greeting of, "'Sup Blondey," and frowned at its absence.

"Magenta?" he called, a bit worried.

A snotty sob was her reply.

"Magenta! Are you alright?" he hurried into the hallway to comfort his sister.

"Oh, Riff!" she wailed and collapsed onto the floor up, still clutching the door handle sadly.

"You're wet!" he exclaimed and rushed over to hug her.

She nodded sadly, "Yes, it's raining," she choked out before burying her face into his shoulder.

"Shh, it's ok," he rocked her.

She looked up at him and wiped her arm across her nose, leaving a shiny trail of snot along her wet limb.

Riff Raff removed his hand from her hair and gasped, "Magenta! You're bleeding!" he shrieked.

Her gaze followed his to the stain on his trembling hand, "Eh… last time I checked my blood wasn't bright pink," she smiled wetly, "It's just hair dye," she managed a small chuckle.

Riff Raff sagged with relief and laughed too, "Thank God!" he hugged her tightly again. Sure, his sister was a pain, but he loved her - deep down... well, he loved her enough not to want her to die.

"I think you need a bath," Riff Raff said sternly, noticing her shivering, "And a better hair dye. Seriously, what brand did you use?"

She grinned sheepishly, "Uh, DeL'Ordy-el."

Riff Raff stored this helpful titbit in his memory bank and heaved Magenta off the floor, "I told you to use Tranier, it always works for me," he ran a hand through his peroxide locks.

She pulled a face, "They didn't do magenta," she admitted.

Riff Raff rolled his eyes at his sister's bright pink frizz, "I think that might have been a sign," he twitched his lip as she playfully punched his arm.

They chuckled and teased each other all the way up the stairs, as siblings do, both trying to put off their inevitable conversation.

"Uh, Riff… do you mind?" Magenta blushed as she gestured towards her bedroom door.

Riff Raff rolled his eyes, "Come on Magenta, you're my sister! We've seen each other naked before! I would never think of you in that way!" he grimaced as he thought about it.

"But Riff! It's still… weird… other siblings aren't as close as us… we're not normal."

"Oh, and _whom _is it that meets your definition of normal?"

"Cosmo and Nation," she ignored her brother's eye roll, "Nation says it's weird for a brother and sister to be as close as we are, that we're practically _incestuous_!" she mimed gagging.

Riff Raff again sent his eyes skyward, "You listen to that poseur?" he shook his head disparagingly, "Fine! I'll go!" he away and headed into the bathroom.

He turned the tap to Magenta's favourite temperature and borrowed their mother's fancy bubble bath. There'd be hell to pay, but his sister needed some cheering up.

Eventually she emerged from her room clad her offical Transsexual swim team costume.

"Magenta… the tub's not big enough for doing your lengths."

She stuck her tongue out at him, "No, it's so that you can stay with me," she flashed him her puppy dog eyes at his stony expression.

"Are you sure it's not too _incestuous_?" he said mockingly.

She groaned, "C'mon Riff! I just don't want to be alone!"

He looked at her puffy eyes, mascara leaking down her face, mixing with the obscene hair dye. How could he stay mad at something so pathetic looking?

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Fine, anything for you, dear sister."

She smiled gratefully and slipped into the tub. She sighed loudly and closed her eyes, inhaling deeply, "Ooh, you used mum's bubble bath!" she tutted, "She's not going to be too happy about that." she wagged her finger teasingly.

"You're worth it," he replied jokingly, flicking some foam at her face.

He watched her relax silently, waiting.

Eventually she opened her eyes with a sad little hiccup, "He broke up with me today," her lib wobbled dangerously.

"Oh no," Riff Raff clucked sympathetically, he knew how much he meant to her, "What happened?"

Magenta sniffed, "Well… you know how he's been trying to get me to… do _stuff_…" she trailed off.

"Yes," Riff Raff gritted his teeth, he stared at her anguished expression and gasped, "Oh no, Magenta, please tell me you didn't!"

"Don't worry," she shook her head, "I didn't, that's why he dumped me!" her beautiful face crumpled and tears spilled down her cheeks, dissappearing into the bubbles.

"Don't be so upset Magenta. He was a loser! An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man! A blind alley cruiser! Always heading down a losing street… dreaming that he's screaming at fate, a dead end, dead beat, nowhere Mister, with a kiss like a Mississippi alligator's sister –"

"I get it!" Magenta cried, ending her brother's rant.

A sigh escaped him, "Sorry, I just hate him for upsetting you so."

She nodded sadly and began crying again, "I should have just let him have his wicked way with me! He said – he said so many mean things about me! He called me frigid! And said that I was going to die a virgin! And -"

"Magenta! He's even worse that Nation! You need to stop listening to these people!" Riff Raff threw his hands in the air angrily.

"But they're right! I'm going to die alone!" she huffed, the tears still coming.

"You'll always have me," Riff Raff said softly, smiling slightly.

"I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

I could be the man who grows old with you…"

"Are you singing?" Magenta screwed up her face, tears forgotten. Riff chuckled and continued.

"I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

Oh, it would be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you, kiss you…"

"Riff!"

"Take your shoes off and rub your feet

I need you, feed you

And when we play checkers I'll let you cheat

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink

It would be so nice growing old with you…"

"Oh, Riff," said Magenta sappily.

"C'mon, Genta, I know you love singing!" he encouraged her, his eyes twinkling.

She smiled and gleefully joined in.

"I'll miss you, kiss you!

Take your shoes off and rub your feet!

I need you! Feed you!

And when we play checkers I'll let you cheat…"

They caught each other's eyes and grinned madly, singing louder.

"So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink!

Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink!"

Their voices softened and became unbelievably tender as they stared at each other's faces.

"It would be so nice growing old with you…"

They leaned in closer to each other with the final verse…

"I want to grow old with you…"

They were close enough that their soft whisper was louder than a shout. Their eyes closed as their lips gradually gravitated closer.

Suddenly their eyes sprung open as they realised what they were doing, "I can't do it!" they cried and jumped apart.

"Well… see ya," they said simultaneously as Riff zipped out the door and Magenta dived under the bubbles.

Riff Raff returned to his soppy book, with new sympathy for the grown up Henry trying to resist the teenage Clare.

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><p><strong>AN: Is it weird that I had Ashes to Ashes by David Bowie stuck in my head while writing this? I hope it doesn't show... :\**

**Well, anyway, I finally dyed my hair today (my roots were practically down to my chin :S) and I got to reminiscing about all the colours it's been (yes, I get nostalgic when I dye my hair ¬_¬) and I remembered this time a long while ago when it was purple (hey, I was young and carefree) and I used a really cheap brand and I was at my friend's birthday party and it started to rain... *shame***

**Riff Raff is reading The Time Travellers Wife by the way, because I'm re-reading it... again! Urgh! I'm such a sucker for angsty romance sometimes! And the whole point is that Clare first meets Henry when she's 5 and he's... 38 I think and then Henry first meets Clare when he's 28 and she's 20... confused? It gets worse... well, anyway, he keeps on involuntary zapping forwards and backwards in time and whenever he meets her as a teenager she always tries to seduce him, and he has to resist her (which is hard as 1. he's married to her future self and so fancies the pants off her and 2. he always arrives there naked from his time travelling... yeah... ) _Anyway _that's just to explain why Riff Raff sympathises with him. (Weird coincidence: Clare also has curly red hair O_o though it's more ginger)**

**And the song, oh the song, Grow Old With You, the Avenue Q version, I like it better that the Adam Sandler version ;P**

**Eep. Forgot to mention:**

**DeLordy + L'Oreal = DeL'Ordy-el**

**Tranny + Garnier = Tranier**

**Crap? Yes. Cheesy? I know. Stupid? Very. ;P**


	2. An Untrue Fantasy

**Disclaimer: In a cosmic sense, don't we all own it?**

**AN: This may very well be the cheesiest/worst thing I've ever written... *shrugs* oh well...**

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><p>"Night Magenta!" Riff called as he passed her bedroom door en route to his own room.<p>

"Riff?" came her soft reply, "Can you come in here a minute?"

He rolled his eyes but obliged, the two had been studiously ignoring each other since the "Almost Moment" in the bath tub last week and so instead of sauntering into his little sister's room and plonking down next to her on her bed, he opted to gingerly poke his head through her door and wave timidly.

"Yes, Magenta?"

She looked up and returned his guarded smile, "Is our house secure?"

"Secure how?" his brow creased at her nervous restlessness.

"It's just… I go this chainmail and -"

"Oh, Magenta!" he tutted, "You really are influenced far too easily! Those things are fake! They just want to give you a good scare and possibly spread spam."

"I know that, so I didn't forward it, I just deleted it… but…," she darted her eyes around the room and pulled her covers up around her, "… you know…," her eyes met his and pleaded with him to understand, "I don't want to be alone tonight…,"she flashed him her infamous puppy-dog-pout until her relented.

"_Fine_! Let me go get my sleeping bag!" he muttered.

"Oh, but the floor's so uncomfortable!" she shook her head, "Look Riff, we're gonna have to get past this! We used be so close! And now we can't even be in the same room as each other!"

Riff Raff sighed, "Alright, alright already!" he huffed and slipped under the covers with her, "But only 'cause it's you, sis," he said teasingly and tweaked her nose.

She screwed up her face and stuck her tongue out at him, "Just be on the look out for any serial killers or faceless rape victims, ok?"

_~~*~~Later that night…~~*~~_

Magenta sighed and kicked the covers off, _Gods, it's much too hot!_ She griped mentally.

She didn't know why sleep was refusing to claim her, it couldn't be the content of the chainmail – she had her brother as a shield/decoy if any vengeful spirit came to get her.

Maybe it was the _sender_… her ex-boyfriend…

She snarled inwardly, she couldn't believe how happy she was when she discovered that he had sent her an email – she couldn't help it. Not that it mattered, her happiness swiftly flew away once she had read its contents.

So now she lay, squished up against the wall next to her snoring brother, trying to forget about _him_.

She sighed again, more heavily, "It sure can get lonely at night…," she mumbled, then turned to her brother, bored, "Riff, you awake?"

She poked him and caused him to groggily blurt out, "Ah, is that a unicorn?" before resuming his snores.

_Ugh! He's talking in his sleep again!_

"No, I'll wear the purple shoes, huh, who painted the kitten?"

_Maybe I should just shake him…!_

"I love you Genta…"

She gasped. He'd said it before… but never in that soft adoring tone… the tone you would save for _real _love not sibling love, "What did you say?" she needed to hear him say it again, to see if her ears were fooling her.

"I love your little laugh…" he mumbled gleefully, still snoring.

"Riff… are you awake…?"

"Take off your shirt…"

She gasped again, "Oh, Riff Raff… have you been shy all this time? Have we been… hiding from each other? I wonder…," she collapsed back from her upright position and began to sing softly.

"All those nights

I'd lay in bed

Thoughts of you running through my head…"

"I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie," he muttered happily.

"But I never thought

The things in my head

Could really happen in my bed!"

"You look like David Hasselhoff!"

"All those years I missed the signs

Couldn't read between the lines

Who'd have thought I would see the day

Where I'd hear you say

What I heard you say

And now I find

What was always in my mind was in your mind too

Who knew?

Fantasies come true!

And now I see

That what I've always dreamed of was meant to be

You and me, me and you

Fantasies come true…"

Suddenly Riff Raff spun round to face her with a big goofy grin on his face, "I take it you return my feelings," he whispered, reaching over to tenderly stroke her cheek.

She caught his hand and held it to her face as she continued to serenade her love.

"You and me lived in fantasy

But soon we'll be a reality…"

His face grew serious and he propped himself up, "I want you to know – the time that we've spent – how great it's been… how much it's meant…"

"Gosh, I don't know what to say… I'm really glad you feel that way. 'Cause I'm afraid that I like you more than I've ever liked any guy before!"

Riff Raff whooped excitedly and began singing at his full volume.

"'Cause now!"

"'Cause now!" Magenta joined in.

"My love!" he grinned back.

"My love!" she echoed.

"I'm getting what I've always been dreaming of!" they belted together.

"So are you," he gestured to her dramatically.

"Oh baby!" she returned the drama and flopped a hand on her forehead, throwing her head back.

"Fantasies come true!" they belted out together.

"And now!" he took her hand.

"And now!" she squeezed it.

"I swear!" he winked at her.

"I swear that…" she winked back.

"When you want me I'm gonna be right there!" they gave each other super cheesy smiles and thumbs up.

"To care!" he put a hand back on her face.

"To care!" she held it to her cheek again.

"For you!" he gazed deeply into her eyes.

"That's what I'm gonna do!" her smile split her face in half.

"And make your fantasies!" he whooped.

"Fantasies!" she chimed.

"Come true!" they finished, throwing their arms up.

Finally their lips met in a rush of suppressed passion and love. They pulled apart to stare lovingly at each other before Riff Raff yawned and snuggled up with Magenta to fall asleep.

"Fantasies come true…" Magenta whispered, more to herself as she gently dozed off, feeling happier than she'd ever felt before…

_~~*~~But...~~*~~_

"Magenta?" she was awoken by a gentle poke from Riff Raff.

"Riff?" she asked groggily as she rubbed her eyes.

"You ok? You were talking in your sleep."

_What? But that means that…_

"I thought you were talking in your sleep!" she exclaimed angrily.

He chuckled, "Nah, I wet to get a glass of water and when I came back you were mumbling and twitching – I couldn't get in without you kicking me out!" he chortled, "Sounded like a nice dream though," he added as he plopped down next to her.

"Yes... it was a nice dream…," she mumbled, the reality not really sunken in yet.

"Well, night Genta," he said cheerfully before his snores started up again.

"…Goodnight Riff…"

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><p><strong>AN: Yeah... <strong>

**The song is Fantasies Come True from Avenue Q (hehe it rhymes!) and so is most of the dialogue and the whole sleep-talking-inside-a-dream/heart break thing... yea, another shamless rip off...**

**I couldn't help myself! I got all happy coz I learned how to play the intro to Fantasies Come True on the piano and so I got ridiculously proud and wanted to write a fic with that song in it X3**

**Well, I don't know... I might make this into a story if it amuses my muse ;P**


	3. Communication Breakdown

**Disclaimer: Negative.**

**AN: I've decided to be lazy with this story. Sorry. But It's just a way for me to get rid of the songs that are stuck in my head so, yeah, there will be a song every chapter**

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><p>"You alright, Magenta?"<p>

"Hm?" Magenta was jolted rudely out of her daydreams by the impatient waving of a hand in front of her face.

Riff Raff sighed, "Are you still worried about that chainmail? Is that it? You've been acting weird ever since that night – I mean, what's with asking me to sleep in your bed every night? Huh?"

Magenta shrugged, "It's just preying on my mind," she paused and took a breath, "He's been trying to contact me… he wants us to get back together…," she trailed off at the look on her brother's face.

"That cad! Please tell me you said no!"

Magenta pretended that that she had detected a sliver of jealousy mixed in with the anger and frustration in her brother's voice – deciding to capitalise on it, she shrugged nonchalantly, "I said maybe."

"Maybe? Maybe?" Riff Raff jumped up, "After everything he's put you through! He'll just toy with you for a while before dropping you like a pair of out-of-date fishnets! Just like he always does."

Magenta glared at him, "Is there any particular reason that you're in my room?"

Riff Raff tensed a bit more and looked at the floor, embarrassed, "Actually… I wanted to ask you something…," he mumbled, blushing a little.

"Really!" she squeaked excitedly. _Maybe he _does _like me…_

"Yes, um… this is kinda hard to phrase… but…"

_Yes, yes! Of course I'll go out with you! I love you too! I accept your proposal! I agree, lets move the wedding to tomorrow! _She fantasised about the various questions that could slip through his awkward tongue, shivering with antici…

"Um, you know that new business venture I'm embarking on… well, I'm kinda low on funds… so…"

"…what?" _What an odd way to propose marriage…_ Her subconscious tittered nervously, unwilling to relinquish that new fluttery feeling she had acquired.

"I know you've already donated generously – multiple times – I promise, this is the last time I'll ask! I swear!" he pleaded with her, practically dropping to his knees.

She sighed heavily and flung her purse at him, "Just take it all," she snapped moodily, feeling foolish.

Riff Raff grinned and hugged her, "Thanks sis, you're alright!" before speeding happily out the door.

Magenta collapsed onto her bed in defeat and let out an exasperated huff.

"With your long blonde hair

And your eyes of blue

The only thing I ever got from you

Was sorrow

Sorrow

You acted funny

Trying to spend my money

You're out there playing your high class games of sorrow

Sorrow."

She sang sweetly before pausing to wipe a tear from her face.

The voice from that answered her from her laptop reminded her that her ex-boyfriend was still on webcam.

"You never do what you know you oughta

Something tells me you're a Devil's daughter

Sorrow, sorrow

Ahhhhh, ah, ahhhhh."

She growled quietly to herself at his presumption that she was singing about him and snapped the lid closed.

~~*O*~~

In his room the boy blinked stupidly before exclaiming, "Argh!" in frustration and continuing the song to himself.

"I tried to find her

'Cause I can't resist her

I never knew just how much I missed her

Sorrow, sorrow."

~~*O*~~

Meanwhile Magenta sobbed quietly to herself and continued to serenade herself.

"With your long blonde hair and your eyes of blue

The only thing I ever got from you

Was sorrow, sorrow

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh

With your long blonde hair

I couldn't sleep last night

With your long blonde hair."

Unaware that Riff Raff was listening worriedly at the door…

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><p><strong>AN: Lazzzzzyyyyy, I am so very lazy ;3<strong>

**The song is Sorrow by David Bowie - a very awesome, very catchy tune XP**


	4. To Be Quite Frank

**AN: Who likes short-shorts? By which I mean short chapters! Too late! You've already said you like short-shorts! Muahahahaha!**

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><p>"Hey, Mags, still trying to rip-off my look, I see."<p>

"Frank," Magenta greeted her brother's friend crisply - personally he was much too lecherous and crass for her tastes… but unfortunately spending time Riff now entailed spending time with the promiscuous playboy currently hanging like a bat off Riff Raff's bed.

A smirk from Riff Raff snapped her out of her catty thoughts.

"What?" he shrivelled at her laser-glare, "You have to admit, Genta, your style is _kind of _similar to Frank's…"

Magenta bristled, "So what, only Frank's allowed to wear fishnets and corsets and have a rub-on tattoo, now? Who is he, the Prince of Transsexual?"

"Geez, ok, just calm down," Riff Raff exchanged a confused glance with Frank.

"Sorry, we must have been mistaken…," Frank replied warily.

Magenta – agitated by the _cray-zee _looks they were shooting her – gave out a frustrated "Urgh!" and stomped out the door to go sulk in her room.

"What was that?" asked Riff Raff.

Frank shrugged, "Must be her time of the month – I can sympathise."

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><p>In her room Magenta huffed loudly and slumped onto her bed, humiliated – not by her performance – but by the truth in their words… and the reason behind them…<p>

She _was_ copying Frank. Not because she was some sort of crazed, sparkly groupie – but because she wanted to become him… look just like him… be him.

It would be nice to be Frank.

Then Riff Raff would want her.

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><p><strong>AN: Yep, RiffFrank...I give them about a few more chapters ;P**

**I'm sure we've all gotten a _cray-zee _look at some point in our lives, I myself have had enough for several lives.**

**No song? What gives? None of the songs stuck in my head are really applicable to this wee doozy, the next chappy has two or three musical numbers planned though, so don't get too comortable...**


	5. Gummy V Nation

**Lime cordial makes my brain vomit... enjoy.**

**By the by, Analsnog is not a typo, it's a deviously clever anagram of one of our Shocky friends**

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><p>Today, so far, had been one of the worst in Magenta's life. A real stinker of an experience not helped by the fact that someone seemed to have drained her meagre supply of happiness and hope in her sleep. Of course, there was a very real possibility that it had been Frank on one of his midnight wanderings throughout the house. For some peculiar reason he always seemed to get lost somewhere between the toilet and Riff Raff's room and end up 'totally bewildered and not in control of [his] actions' in Magenta's underwear drawer.<p>

"Riff Raff!" she had screeched at her brother after observing Frank skip out of the house in one of her many missing thongs, "Can't you keep your kleptomaniac... _friend_ under control!" she blushed at her inability to say boyfriend.

Of course – amused, smug git that he was – Riff Raff had only chuckled and made some flippant remark before getting all doey-eyed about the sight of Frank's retreating butt.

_That should be my butt!_ She mentally wailed. _It's my thong!_

_~~Click click, Tick tick, My my, How time goes by~~_

"Yo, Mags? Yoo hoo!"

"Huh?" Magenta blinked and gazed stupefied at the circle of unamused friends as they snapped their fingers and waved their hands in front of her face.

"What planet are you on?" Columbia smacked her gum and smirked at what she considered a totally original and witty remark.

"Aw, leave her alone," Nation took a deep glug out of the plastic water bottle and attempted a kind smile, "She's busy fantasising about her _beau_."

Magenta shrivelled and squirmed under the lighthouse beams of curiosity suddenly being shone in her face by her three cohorts.

"Ooh, who's this then?" Columbia squealed, "Are you back with Horror or is it someone new?"

"It's no one, Nation just forgot to take her medication this morning," Magenta attempted a feeble quip, struggling to remain nonchalant.

"Come on, Genta, spill!" Columbia began vibrating with excitement, emitting small squeaks every now and then amidst the accelerated gum-chewing.

"It's her brother," Nation said with the casualness that Magenta was struggling to achieve. An evil grin splattered across her face as she offered Magenta the water bottle.

Magenta rolled her eyes and ignored Columbia's outraged gasp – and subsequent choking sounds as the pink gob of gum lodged itself in her windpipe. Analsnog – who had been quietly sucking on a raw carrot stick – suddenly and violently whacked the now blue Columbia on the back, successfully dislodging the offending blob and sending it soaring into Nation's viciously scraped back hair.

"Argh!" She leapt up and cursed, "You _idiot_! You utter moron! What have you done?" she wailed as she attempted to free herself of the baby pink splodge. Unfortunately for Nation, the gum was quite happy to be away from Columbia's inane chatter and constant chewing and was quite happy with the bushy red nest it had found itself in. And, ooh, look! A free massage! Gummy sighed happily and sank further into Nations tresses, spreading himself out to get the full effect of Nation's desperate fingers.

Analsnog regarded her cooly – her expression hadn't changed once throughout the whole escapade – and went back to blankly sucking on her carrot.

Magenta on the other hand had lived up to her namesake and had turned fuchsia with suppressed giggles and tears as she enjoyed her front row seat to the match of the year. Gummy vs Nation. No holds barred! Completely sold out, sorry.

"Ohmigosh! Nation! Your hair!" Columbia's pitch increases to eardrum splitting levels as she nervously fluttered around Nation, inadvertently fanning Gummy – who was quite happy to dry off a bit.

"Get off!" Nation, brushed Columbia off and gave up on trying to get Gummy to check-out early. She huffed sharply and pulled her hood up moodily and _harrumphed_ loudly.

"Oh, Nat," Magenta said with as much sympathy as possible, taking a swig out of the bottle, "Urgh! What is this?" she spat out what she though was Moon-Pop and examined the blue liquid closer.

Nation rolled her eyes, "It's a mix of Blue Moon-Pop and Blue Moon-Alcopop, dummy."

"_What_?" Columbia shrieked, horrified, "You told me they'd just changed the flavour!"

Magenta un-scrunched her face from it's disgusted look and took another sip, "Geez, I think you got the ratio of pop to alcopop mixed up," she shuddered and poured some Moon-Pop from her own can in before taking an experimental drink. She screwed up her face and repeated the progress until her can was empty and she was quite tipsy.

Nation snatched the bottle off her huffily and took a healthy glug. She exhaled and wiped her mouth before offering some to the spaced-out Analsnog.

She shook her head, "Too many calories," she muttered.

Nation rolled her eyes and turned to Columbia who angrily spun away from her, "Just so you know, I'm not talking to you," she said smugly.

Nation shrugged, "Fair is fair," and took another swig.

* * *

><p>Much later Magenta was awoken from a rather pleasant dream involving Riff Raff, a jar off marshmallow fluff and some waxing strips by an aggressive twinge of nausea.<p>

"Oh, Gods," she groaned before lurching blindly towards the toilet, banging her head against the door in her haste.

_Damn person, using the toilet when I have to!_ She angrily pounded on the door as her stomach contents made another bid for freedom.

_Argh! Screw it all! _She thought as she inserted her creepily long fingernail into the special slot and jiggled it about until she heard the welcoming _click _of the door unlocking.

"Yesssssss!" she cried in excitement before kicking the door open triumphantly and swaggering in.

"Magenta!" came the outraged shriek of the occupant.

"Frank?" _didn't he have his own house? _She took in his position – kneeling by the toilet and his slick-with-saliva fingers as well as the distinctly vomitty contents of the toilet bowl.

She skewered him with a hopefully concerned glare, waiting for him to 'fess up.

"Please don't tell your brother!" he begged in a fragile little whisper that just about broke Magenta's heart, "He hates it when I do this – he thinks that I've stopped –and I have! It's just..." he tailed off as tears spilled down his face, "Please don't tell him..._"_

Magenta cooed sympathetically and bent down to give Frank a hug, "Will he break up with you if he finds out?" she asked, keeping her voice impartial.

Frank nodded and snivelled sadly, "Please, Magenta, promise you won't say anything!"

_Hmmmmm... _Magenta frowned thoughtfully and hiccupped, the alcohol not quite worn off yet. _To tell or not to tell?_

* * *

><p><strong>Never trust a pissed (and evil) Magenta with a secret<strong>

**Sorry about the name of the drinks, I'm not in a very punny mood, and also about the general OOC-ness, I don't know why Nation is such a bitch or why Analsnog *snicker* is such an ice queen but soon all will be explained**

**On a side note, I'm wondering whether to change the rating to T... I had to kind of edit the chapter to meet the K+ requirements. Any thoughts? **

**Also, the song-a-chapter thing didn't really pan out, I know I promised three musical numbers for this but I decided to push them back a bit...**

**Sleep now.**


	6. Musing Magenta & Fretting Frank

**I made a fatal mistake in the last chapter... I proved that I can actually write... oh well, bye bye lazy little hobby story...**

**Sorry if the last chapter confused anyone - the lime lied. It told me that it would be 'super smarticle' and 'uber sophisti-ma-cated' to be all 'ambiguous' and 'vague' *facepalm* blame it on the censored version of _Marnie_**

**A small dent is made in the fourth wall somewhere in here. Just a warning.**

* * *

><p><em>It's OK. Magenta is your friend. She hasn't told him. Now, come one, get a grip on yourself or he'll know some thing's up. <em>

Frank sighed and plastered a Cheshire smile onto his face just in time for Riff Raff to look up from his desk and offer a slightly smaller, yet much more sincere little mouth-twist of his own.

Frank relaxed a bit, allowing his shoulders a small slump. _It's OK! Magenta __**is **__my friend! She hasn't told him!_, "Hey, beautiful," he breathed, back to his old flirtatious self, "You planning on leaving the class today?"

"Hm?" Riff Raff blinked the absent look out of his eyes (his big, icy, sensual eyes – Frank shivered a little), "Is class over?" he swivelled around in his chair with such cute confusion that Frank wanted to jump on him right there.

Instead he settled for a small chuckle and a pat on the shoulder, "Come on, Clouseau, we have other mysteries to solve."

"Oh?" Riff Raff arched an eyebrow as he swept his thick text books and thin calculators into his protesting backpack, "We do, do we?" he responded flirtily as the two sauntered towards the exit.

Frank refused to rise to the bait and attempted to become serious, "Yes, like where are we going to get the funding for our next experiment, hm...?"

Riff Raff fidgeted and blushed, "We could ask -"

Frank cut him off, "We've already bled our parents dry."

"I was going to say -"

"And there are no businesses left to sponsor us – in fact, we're lucky they don't shoot us on sight!"

"No, I meant -"

"Do not even mention the word 'raise' near Cosmo. You saw him when that delivery boy asked for a tip -" Frank was successfully silenced with an ambush of a kiss from a frustrated Riff Raff.

"As I was saying," he hissed whilst Frank flustered, "We can just ask Genta – she's always been cooperative in the past."

Frank shook his head, not wanting to push his luck, "So have all our other options... I don't -I mean - you don't want to push her too far. She is your _little_ sister, after all, it's like you're robbing her piggy bank whilst she sleeps or something," he managed to splutter out, sneaking glances at Riff the whole way through.

He frowned thoughtfully as Frank held his breath,"I guess you're right... but what other choice do we have? We've hit up everyone in town!"he drooped as he and Frank reached the school gates.

"It's a shame too, I really feel as though we're touching on something great with this new venture... I mean, it's _creating life_! Just imagine what it could lead to!" Frank huffed and pouted moodily.

Riff Raff shrugged sadly, "But what can we do? We're just two nerds with a dream and no funds..." he sighed and tenderly threaded his fingers through Frank's, "Maybe we should just shelf the project for a while until we have enough money..."

"But we'll never have enough money! We're the sons of servants/part-time salon assistants for some stingy old four-eyes!" Frank despaired dramatically, "We'd have to be royalty to be able to pay for the needed equipment!" he paused for effect, "And something tells me that fat arse DeLordy isn't about to become our main financial sponsor."

"Aw, Frankie-poo," Riff Raff sighed and dropped his head onto Frank's shoulder, "We'll work it out somehow... together."

_~~~What, you want Magenta's POV? *sigh*___

After the night that Magenta discovered Frank's bulimia, things had started to finally look up for her.

Nation was unusually subdued - since her many peanut butter/ice/whatever-other-weird-concoction-randomers-were-smearing-on-her-hair remedies had failed to expel the now extremely well-fed Gummy, resulting in a very tearful trip to her brother's hairdressers – and had ceased her annoying teasings and general bitchy-ness.

Columbia was too busy directing her specific brand of irritation towards Nation (disguised as guilt and sympathy) to grill Magenta on Nation's odd remark the other day. And Analsnog... well, Magenta wasn't sure if she was even really _there_, you know. She hadn't made any mention that she was anyway.

Meanwhile, her swimming coach had informed her that she'd beaten her old record and was a shoe-in for the _Ol-swim-pics_, her teachers were sending back surprising good grades, the awful magenta colour was almost completely gone from her hair and Frank had stopped stealing her thongs (although he still occasionally 'sleepwalked' towards her drawers).

The only thing in her life that hadn't improved was the Riff Raff situation. Oh, and the ex-boyfriend fandango. That and the Riff Raff thing were the only two aspects of her life that were refusing to conform. Riff Raff was still obliviously deluding himself that Frank was his 'one and oh-oh-only' and basically ignoring Magenta in favour of his cross-dressing toy. If only that were true for her _ex_. Ever since the laptop episode a few chapters back he had been growing increasingly more desperate and pleading and in violation of whatever privacy rights Magenta had. She no longer had to worry about getting only chainmail from him – although some of the particularly gooey love emails scared her more than an any deranged axe murderer's ghost ever could – and bumping into him was no longer a desperately awkward occasion, in fact it was now just part of her regular routine.

It seemed that wherever she went, Horror just happened to also be heading in that particular direction. He joined the swim team, he dropped all his classes to take all of her hers, he even had a new favourite spot to practise guitar (under her bedroom window). It was really getting quite ridiculous.

"Magenta, can you tell your stalker to take the day off? He's interrupting Frank's beauty sleep," Riff Raff griped over breakfast.

"I would if I could," Magenta snapped, shaking the can of spray-on butter and aiming it at her toast, "Wait, am I missing something here? Does Frank live here now?" _ohmigod, they're engaged already I bet! _

Riff Raff shrugged, "I'm not sure," he sighed dreamily and got that _OMFGMYBFISSOOOOHAWTT _look on his face, "Not that I mind... in fact I -,"

"Grargh!" Magenta steamed and stomped out the kitchen, up the stairs and towards her brother's bedroom.

After taking a minute to absorb the hot pink Do Not Disturb sign (decorated with little magazine cut-outs of underwear models and over-enthusiastic amounts of glitter) she chapped loudly on the door, "Frank! We need to talk!"

* * *

><p><strong>This chapter annoyed me so much - it's not good but I really couldn't make it any better. <strong>

**It came to my attention that this story is way too Earth-like for my liking. Hence the spray-on butter ;D**

**Hey, Seducing Mother Earth fans! Spot the reference! **


	7. Dramatis Personae

**I was re-reading _Pure Dead Magic _series and wanted to do one of these. I've been writing this to get the creative juices flowing - just thought I'd post it for fun ;P **

**Yes, I know these normally go at the front etc etc **

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><p><strong>Dramatis Personae <strong>

**Servants: Exclusive to the Vania Royals**

Magenta – Our main protagonist (for now) and obsessive fan girl extraordinaire. Her interests include Earth culture, sports and trying to split up Frank and Riff. Originally from a small planet hovering uncertainly on the Vania border, she is extremely self-conscious of her thick accent.

Riff Raff –Unpopular super science nerd. He reads a lot of non-fiction textbooks, complicated memoirs of esteemed scientists from all over the galaxy and his sister's romance novels. He and his cohort Frank are infamous around their neighbourhood for their scrounging to fund various convoluted and half-baked experiments. Is less insecure about his accent than Mags.

Frank – Considers himself the 'glamorous side of science' and incurs the wrath of Riff Raff by customising important documents and experiments with rhinestones, glitter and cut-outs from magazines. Desperately poor but determined to cross dress, he dreams of owning a walk-in closet bursting with corsets and fish-nets.

Nation – Know-it-all, gossip and a first class bitch – also the biggest tease Transsexual has ever known. Scarily intelligent with an uncanny ability to zero in on people's biggest insecurities, she uses her brains for evil – perhaps explaining why she's so hideously unpopular. Enjoys taunting Magenta about her "incestuous relationship" mainly to cover up her own little tryst with her brother.

Columbia – The type of girl that sedatives were made for. Peppy, squeaky and with a dangerously short attention span to boot, annoys just about everyone she comes into contact with.

Analsnog – Distant and indifferent, seems to never pay attention but knows scary amounts of gossip about everyone.

Cosmo – Stingy dictator-type owner of a local salon. Enjoys hiring his sister's friends as expendable, minimum wage underlings.

Eddie – Pudgy delivery boy.

Horror – Magenta's obsessive ex-boyfriend. Likes shiny things.

Cyan – Leader of Colour Components, gives Nation a run for her money in bitchiness.

Yellow – Slavish sidekick. Also likes shiny things.

Alison Wonderland – Dozy and curious little girl who bugs Mags

Carry Ingstuff – Servant

Luke Overthere – Servant

Sandy Beaches – Servant

Past Tense – Servant

Present Tense - Servant

**Vania Royals**

DeLordy – jerk royal

LaRoy Kreb – pompous vindictive royal

Sir Loin – senile royal

Duke It Out – paranoid royal

Earl Grey – kindly royal

Count DaMoney – stingy royal

Captain Obvious – soft spoken king, rarely points out the obvious

Libby Doe – loud spoken queen, always points out the obvious

**Mobsters**

Al Dente – mob boss

Liz Anya – Al's wife

Lynn Guini – Al's mistress

Pete Zaa – mobster

Tiny Iota - mobster

**Rah Men : Religious Figures**

Rah Goo – Imperious snob

Rah Violi – Sleazy slob

**Men of Pause: Religious Figures**

Men Stuart – Leader

Phil Opean – Lieutenant

**Crew**

Professor Pedantic

Sergeant Sarcastic

Colonel Cruelty

Private Pestilence

**Evil Diabolical Masteminds**

Gummy - Unknown to anyone else, Columbia secretly retrieved Gummy from the floor of Cosmo's salon and "Burried Him At Sea" unfortunately he ended up in a Nuclear/Magical waste dump and began to change... he has sworn vengeance on Nation for his misfortunes and will stop at nothing until she is comepletely bald.

* * *

><p><strong>Just about every name is a stupid pun. Some are obvious while others are more subtle...<strong>

**More characters may pop up later on once the plot starts - just go with it. It'll hopefully all work out.**

**Also - to clear a few things up: **

**-Riff & Mag have the same accent (the one Genta has in RHPS)**

**- Frank is not a prince (yet)**

**- The galaxy of Transylvania - along with a few others - exist in the Vania section of the universe. There is one other known section known as Mania. **


	8. Why So Petty, My Pretties?

**I managed to wrangle a few plotbunnies, because I love you all so very much, you're so much more important than some stupid London Riots essay.**

* * *

><p>Queen Libby Doe held back a groan of frustration and made a supreme effort to keep her eyes from shooting skywards.<p>

"All I'm _saying_," she spat, "Is that the little tart deserved it, she should know better than to come on to the king of Transsexual!"

"Honey," Captain Obvious said softly, his mask-like expression of mildness slipping to reveal an annoyed twitch, "She was just shaking my hand."

"Pur-lease – don't insult my intelligence! I saw that lingering smile, that faint dilation of her pupils, the way she pressed herself against you –"

"She's my mother!" the captain yelled, the queen blinked at her meek husband's outburst.

"Still," the queen inspected her nails casually, "Now she knows better," she added darkly, shooting a smirk at the bloody knife sticking out of the old fool's chest.

The captain screamed with exasperation and grabbed a random jacket before storming our the door, "I'm going to meet with the boys at the bar!"

_~~~*~~~Several Beers Later~~~*~~~_

"Aw, man! Mrs O is dead?" Private Pestillance frowned and his forehead creased like taffetta, "Why do the hot always die young?"

Captain Obvious shrugged sadly, his gentle mask reappearing, "Well, you know what Libby's like…" he trailed off as his comrades gave him understanding pats on the back and mumbled their agreement.

"You can't blame her for being possessive," Professor Pedantic slipped in, "You _are _the most desired male in all of Vania."

"But she knows that I would never –"

"Doesn't matter," the professor nodded sagely as the group of men goggled at him, "She's a Furter. Studies show that they have double the amount of jealous-omes than normal Vanians – and we have a lot of jealous-omes, believe you me - but it appears that The Silk Stocking has double the amount of jealous-omes than the average Furter..."

The captain shook his head and groaned, "Is there any way to fix her?" he cried desperately.

The professor pondered this for a moment, "Not that I know of… I could run some tests, do some research, the whole she-bang… but it might be years before we get any deffinite results," he peered suspiciously at the captain, "And I don't even want to think of the expense…"

"I don't care. I don't care if it takes a century and I have to pay ten noics a minute," he looked around him darkly, having a sudden urge to be unreasonable, "My grandmother's coming over next month and it wouldn't be fun to have her executed as well. Have a rough sample prepared by then," he added fiercly as the professor spluttered.

* * *

><p>"I really don't know what her damage is. I mean, when someone apologises – no matter what they've done - you <em>have <em>to forgive them. It's the rules! She's breaking the law! She's just lucky I haven't reported her… yet."

Analsnog nodded absently as Columbia continued to babble, completely unrestrained, about Nation's angry aloof-ness towards her.

"I mean, you can't even really see the bald patch," she hedged, "It's only visible under certain lighting, and, actually, I think it quite suits her. She should be thanking me for the fresh new look! And _I _should be the one giving _her _the silent treatment!"

"That would be a terrible punishment," Analsnog said softly, not bothering to open her eyes or move from her prone position on the park bench.

Columbia nodded enthusiastically from her spot on the grass and continued to whine.

"And don't get me started on her –"

"Umbie, Snoggy," a shadow fell over Columbia, cutting her off quite effectively.

Columbia snapped her head up to locate the owner of the curt greeting.

"Oh, Cyan," she said miserably, dropping her eyes to the ground and blushing. Analsnog didn't show any sign of recognition, not even twitching at the sound of her nickname.

"Good call sitting on the floor, Umbie," Cyan added snootily, flicking her icy-blue hair back wickedly, "Now the groundskeeper won't have to burn the bench."

Yellow snorted sycophanticly whilst Columbia became redder than her hair.

"Oh, spoke to soon," she added, glancing at Analsnog superiorly.

Yellow giggled again and stared at Cyan admirably.

"What do you want, Cyan," Columbia muttered, daring to look up into her smirking face.

"Well, being a member of the Royal Animal Protection Experience, I took it upon myself to investigate these rather disturbing screams – it sounded like an animal in distess," she stopped, aparantly overcome at the thought whilst Yellow sighed dreamily, "Then, of course, I realised it was just you talking."

She laughed nastily and stuck her teeth out, doing a cruel parody of Columbia's overbite, whilst Yellow spluttered and copied her.

"If your teeth are bothering you, I'd be happy to knock some out for you," Analsnog's soft voice drifted from the bench, where she lay, stiller than a corpse.

Cyan glared at the twosome and, flicking her obviously-dyed hair over her shoulder dramatically, flounced away with an equally offended Yellow on her tail.

"Eurgh!" Columbia shuddered and lost her blush, "She's horrible, absolutely horrible!"

Analsnog shrugged casually, "It does takes a lot to make Nation look lightweight in comparison," she said thoughtfully, her eyes still cemented shut, "Speaking of…"

"Hello Analsnog!" Nation floated over to the bench wearing a forcibly cheery smile and a migraine-inducing scarf over her hair.

"Nation," Analsnog twitched a finger in welcome.

"Hi Nation!" Columbia popped up and beamed, waving furiously at Nation, who had apparently become mysteriously deaf and blind to the squealing girl.

"How are you, Snog? Keeping well?" her smile became impossibly wider, and her eyes narrower as she studiously ignored the progressively more manic Columbia.

"It may be my imagination, but I think that Columbia wants to talk to you," she replied calmly, oblivious to the laser-glare shooting from Nation's eyes.

"Who?" she said sharply, the smile long gone, "That pink-haired, squeaky-voiced, scalper? What coulds he possibly have to talk to me about? Or has she got another gob-full of gum primed and ready to spit?" she snapped before re-applying the fake smile and peering over Columbia's shoulder, "Ah, Sandy! Wait up!" she cried, hurrying away.

"Urrrrrrgh! What do I have to do to end this?" Columbia cried and collapsed back to the ground.

"It's rather obvious," said Analsnog, stopping to scratch her nose and open her eyes, silently enjoying the tortured look on Columbia's face as she waited, "Nation's all about material goods. Just get her a present and she'll be putty in your hands."

Columbia frowned in thought, "What does Nation like…?"

"Wealth. Power. Designer stuff."

"Er…" Columbia fidgeted and thought of her woefully small amount of pocket money, "Do you think she'd be happy with a chocolate bar?"

Analsnog shook her head, "Just think…. What does she love more than anything else in the world?"

"Gossip!" Colombia screamed immediately, "That's it! I'll just have to get her the juiciest piece of gossip in existance!"

* * *

><p><strong>Another filler! Are you seeing the plots tying together?<strong>

**I stole the 'knock your teeth out' bit from Avenue Q - plagiarism's fun! ;D **

**By the way, "noic" is just a form of currency in Transsexual. Ten tenos make a noic. Sixteen nodups make a teno. I really do need help. -_- **


	9. It's Called Sarcasm, DaMoney

**The beginnings kind of shaky, because I took the band-aid approach and just wanted to get the sucker done with quickly and painfully, so tread carefully. **

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><p>"Ok, Frank, remember what we discussed…" Magenta hissed as she shepherded him down the stairs towards Riff (who was obliviously re-reading One Day).<p>

Frank nodded glumly and muttered, "Honesty is the best policy. You can't base a relationship on lies. Deception is the Devil's bitch. Yeah, I know," he took a deep breath and earned a sympathetic pat on the back from Magenta (who was attempting to hide a wicked grin behind a sympathetic simper).

"You can do it," she whispered reassuringly before launching him through the living room door, closing it and crouching down to listen through the keyhole. _He's actually doing it! Muahahaha! Riff'll dump him like last year's fishnets!_

"Frank?" screamed Riff's panicked voice and their was a thudding sound followed by a sliding noise like something had been dropped and kicked across the room, out of sight.

"Riff… I have to tell you something…" dithered the reluctant Frank.

"Of course," there was a brushing noise as Riff scooched up to make some room on the couch for Frank, and a heavy whumph as he plopped down.

"You know how… I've, er, always had some, ah, eating problems…"

"Yes?" Riff's unusually sharp reply made Magenta wince a tad before smiling wider. _Yes, indeed…_

"And remember how I said I'd gotten over them…?"

"Yes."

"Well…," she heard Frank fidget uncomfortably and could clearly picture Riff's death-glare, "…I haven't…"

Then came silence.

* * *

><p>"Then what happened?" Carry Ingstuff looked up from her <em>DIY, Darning and Dusting <em>textbook and peered through milk-bottle glasses at the stony expression of Magenta.

"He forgave him," she muttered darkly, scowling.

Carry bit her lip and silently waited for Magenta to elaborate.

"There was a lot of screaming first, they had a big blazing argument – both hurling insults at each other – I was sure that one would kill the other, and then they started crying and hugging and apologising. Then they started laughing and smooching and crooning at each other and I had to go throw up."

Magenta's voice had gradually becoming more and more bitter as she recalled the horrific scene where, instead of throwing Frank out on his bony backside and realising his undying love for her, Riff had crumbled and forgiven Frank as easily as though he'd nothing more than trod on his foot.

"Aw, I'm sorry Mags, I know how much you love your brother-" _No you don't. _"- and how hard it must be to have him "abandon" you for a new boyfriend, it was like that when my brother Dropp got married, remember? I didn't see him for weeks – it was horrible!" she shuddered, "But you have to get over it, it's just some stupid teen romance, it won't last forever, don't worry. Now, back to the lesson," she grinned evilly and chucked the textbook at Magenta, "Start reading page twenty five whilst I go get a more fire-retardant material for you to practise on."

* * *

><p>"Come in!" Queen Libby Doe sang as she quickly disabled all the Anti-Whore alarm systems she'd set up around the royal bedchamber, "Just put your eye to the retina scanner, and I'll be with you momentarily!" she called into the microphone before scurrying towards the door.<p>

One by one, in tromped – what Captain Obvious so lovingly called – her side of the family;

LaRoy Kreb's somach peeked in a few seconds ahead of the rest of him, emitting disturbing gurgling noises as the blotched flesh strained against the buckled leather cat suit he was wearing. One pudgy, ring-encrusted hand was petting a bloodshot eye morosely and Libby Doe smirked, she had taken him off the Not-A-Threat database a month ago, and he was yet to realise, blaming the sudden spurt of pepper-spray every time he tried to visit his sister-in-law on shoddy technology.

Next came Sir Loin, looking as baffled as ever and wearing a lovely ensemble consisting of a flower-pot as a shoe, bacon as a bow-tie and a thermos as a cod-piece.

A loud complaining voice ridiculing the expensive wallpaper seeped in through the door as Sir Loin blinked dazedly around the room as if he had recently recovered from a rather nasty bout of amnesia. The voice was nasal and soaked in sarcasm and could only belong to Count DaMoney, a man so tight-fisted and stingy, that there were rumours that he had chosen to let his whole family starve to death rather than spring for three meals a day.

The snooty count was suddenly shunted out of the way as a tiny little wisp of a man hurtled into the room and jumped into Libby's closet, squeaking shrilly and screaming "Close the door! Close the door, you fools! Don't let **them **in! I beg of you!" It was Duke It Out, eccentric gajillonaire and paranoid wreck.

Finally, the fifth and final royal – Earl Grey - strolled in, nodded politely at Libby before slowly closing the door with a soft clunk, prompting the duke to roll out of the closet and begin searching the room for bugs, cameras and whatever else his skittish mind believed was hidden in the skirting board, waiting to hand him over to **them**.

"Ah, sister dear," LaRoy said slickly, outstretching his arms and bowing lowly.

"You stopped being my brother the moment Dill died!" snapped Libby suddenly. The loss of her sister Dill Doe still weighed heavily on her heart, and the fact that her good-for-nothing scrounger of a brother-in-law was still hanging around was not helping to lift it.

LaRoy gulped and dropped his arms hastily, glancing at the rest of the royals in a _let's see you try_ kind of way.

They exchanged unwilling glances for a while before Earl Grey sighed and let his face fall from it's welcoming smile into a worn frown.

"DeRanged and DeLirious are dead," he said quickly, not looking at Libby.

She gasped and clutched her chest, "No… not them…" she muttered, collapsing onto her bed and shaking her head briskly, "They can't be!"

"They are," muttered DaMoney as the royals lowered their heads respectfully, even the duke stopped his inspection of the doilies to grieve.

"Makes the whole thing much more real, eh?" LaRoy broke the silence to grin grimly, "If **they **managed to get Der and Del, anyone of us could be next!"

"Typical of you, LaRoy," said Libby waspishly, "You don't care about their deaths! Your only concern is that **they **obviously aren't scared to spill Furter blood!"

"Now, Priscilla," cut in Sir Loin dozily, apparently losing interest in staring at a coffee stain, "I'm sure Colonel Cruelty would be happy to share his inflatable toast with you, but you'll have to ask much nicer than that," he said in a fatherly voice. No one paid him any attention except for the earl who patted his arm reassuringly as Libby and LaRoy glared at each other.

"The funeral," continued the earl, looking sternly between the two of them, "Will be held in a month's time –"

"Think of the expense…," muttered the sour looking DaMoney, "Maybe I could cut costs by wearing one of Der's old slips… he did promise one to me ten Christmases ago when I gave him that staple…"

"And you, DaMoney!" burst Libby, eager to vent her anger, "You're only showing up for the reading of the will, I bet!"

"And for the free food!" he spat back, "You're awful preachy today, Doe-y, hm? Considering your little performance with Der the day before his wedding…"

"How dare you!" she cried, rearing back a hand to slap him, "I bet it was you who started those rumours!"

"Like you never started any in your time!" he frothed, looking quite mad, "What's all that tosh about letting my family starve to death rather than feed them?"

"Please! Please!" screamed the duke, "**They'll **hear the yelling!"

"Now, come on, this is hardly appropriate, I know you're all very upset by the news, but this is no way to act!"

"If anyone gets a slip, it should be me!" cried LaRoy, elbowing the earl in the face as he waddled between the spitting queen and count, "I was the one who took care of his wife while he was at war!"

"Oh, I'll bet you took care of her!" DaMoney rounder on LaRoy, "Just like you took care of Out's wife!"

"Rumours! Rumours!" squeaked the duke, hurling a doily into the fray, "Hateful rumours spread by **them **to set us against each other!"

"Well, they're doing a bloody good job, I'll tell you that!" shouted Libby, tears abseiling down her flushed face as she got DaMoney into a headlock whilst trying to wrench her hair out of LaRoy's sweaty grip.

"Please! Please!" the earl cried desperately, tearing his hair out in frustration, "This is unseemly –"

A loud _bang _reverberated throughout the room and everyone froze to gawp at the unusually lucid Sir Loin, who glared around sternly, the laser-equivalent of a musket in his steady hand.

"Early Grey, if you please," he gestured humbly at the earl who nearly wept with gratitude and cleared his throat as the rest of the royals disengaged themselves and nursed their petty wounds.

"Now," he continued as though nothing had happened, "There is still the matter of DeLordy; the only child of DeRanged and DeLirious."

"Ah yes," muttered LaRoy thoughtfully, massaging his non-pepper-sprayed eye, which had been poked by the duke's doily, "What will become of the little tyke?"

"Well, Der and Del clearly stated that, if the worst should happen, that he be raised by family…" he let the sentence die and be absorbed by the dumb-struck royals.

"You mean?" demanded DaMoney, "That one us is getting lumbered with the bratling? Some of us are on a budget, you know!"

"Really? You never said," murmured Libby angrily, ready for round two.

"Has he been interrogated yet?" asked the duke timidly, "In case he's actually one of **them**?"

"All necessary precautions and safety measures have been taken," the earl reassured the duke, who exhaled loudly although looked a smidge unconvinced.

"I'll take the poor thing," volunteered Sir Loin, addressing and saluting a lampshade, "It's such a shame when owner's die. The poor goldfish are usually left to wander the streets, all homeless and alone…," he said sadly before bursting into tears and sobbing loudly.

"Well, that leaves me and you, Libbs," said the earl kindly, smiling warmly at her as if to say _it's your choice_

"I'll take him," she said at once, all anger evaporating, "I owe it to Der and Del," _plus, I've always wanted a child… _

* * *

><p><strong>I had fun writing for the royals - they're all so soap-opera-y ;D<strong>

**Their personalities are a bit of a random mish-mash of various characters from films or books or Tv shows I've been watching/reading lately , here are the basic inspirations:**

**Sir Loin = Major Gowan in Fawlty Towers and Grandad from Only Fools and Horses as well as Abe in The Simpsons. LaRoy = Max in The Producers. Earl Grey = Brian in Avenue Q, Leo from The Producers and Remus Lupin from Harry Potter, Duke It Out on Flitwick (also from Harry Potter) as well as Mad-Eye. Libby Doe = Sarah in Labyrinth (for the overreacting and melodramatics) and Edna from The Incredibles (for the security) and Count DaMoney = Ross from Friends, weirdly, and Kreacher, from HP again! Damn DH Part 2!**


	10. He's A Regular Fairy Godmother

**Filler! Filler! Who ordered the filler? No one? Eh, you're getting one anyway.**

* * *

><p>Professor Pedantic was worried. Very worried.<p>

The formula had failed. It had looked perfectly probable on paper, but practically…

The professor groaned and massaged his temples as yet another guinea pig was sedated, another lab assistant threatened to sue, and another throbbing vein appeared on his forehead.

He had never before regretted his royal connections, his childhood friendship with Captain Obvious had been the source of many generous grants, willing sponsors and an enthusiatic drinking buddy. But now, said friendship was threatening to destroy his reputation, give all the other scientists more than enough reason to kick him out every country club, board of trustees and whorehouse this side of Mania, and cause him an early death to boot.

The professor bit back a sob of despair and, pausing to make sure that all the stationary on his desk was perfectly aligned, and sharpening a stubborn pencil until it was the same size as its comrades.

_What am I to do? _He cried internally as he watched a guinea pig turn purple and begin reciting limericks in Swahili.

And then, as if answering him, a clumsy intern tripped and spilled the tray-full of chemicals onto another, more pompous intern.

"That's it!" the professor bellowed as the intern's ears swelled up to Dumbo-proportions, "I'm getting nowhere with these critters! I need to begin experimenting on humans!"

* * *

><p>"Hey, Riff! I got a job!"<p>

Riff looked up from his edition of _Jane Eyre _(subtly hidden behind the dust jacket of some medical journal), "Really? You? Work?"

Frank rolled his eyes, "It could happen, and it will!" he threw his arms out and twirled, "You are looking at Transsexual's youngest on-hand-experimentational-assissational-sensational-result-provider!"

"You what?" Riff frowned at his squealing boyfriend.

"I don't know either!" he cried ecstatically, "I had to go the palace today – my dad forgot his lunch, you see – and then, who should come up to me, but Professor Pedantic himself!" he swooned and plopped onto Riff's lap, "He said that I've got **the look **and then he gave me **the job**!"

"Hmm…," Riff ignored Frank's cuddling and nuzzling, "Sounds kind of dodgy to me…"

Frank sighed, "Silly, suspicious Riff. What do you honestly think they'll do to me?" he rolled his eyes again, "You want to come with? You can protect me from any vindictive nerds hanging around, waiting to calculate my improbability."

Riff shoved him off his lap, "I'll come, but only because I want to be able to see the famous Furter laboratory," Riff sighed dreamily.

Frank grinned from his position on the floor, "Riff! You're going to be working there someday! One day you'll be sick of seeing it!"

Riff Raff shook his head, "First of all, you need to graduate from at least three universities simultaneously before they even consider hiring you – my parents wouldn't even be able to afford to send me to one. Secondly, you need to have a vertigo-inducingly high social standing to get anywhere once you're in. I'd have to be dating a prince before they gave me a promotion!" he griped, sulking.

Frank cooed sympathetically and gave him a hug, "Don't worry Riff. I'll get you a spot in there – I don't care who I have to sleep with!" he winked, "I promise I'll make your dreams come true," he vowed, giving Riff a light peck on the cheek.

* * *

><p><strong>What can I say? Fillers aren't my friends. <strong>


End file.
